neuroticgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sometimes enrichment use the alias \"setback\" a gratitude ring entry During the course of our lives we strive to achieve many goals. There are those that have helped us to reach these goals, and sometimes the person helping us, is our inner self. Compose an entry, letter, or essay to the person that has helped you reach one of your major goals in life. Identify the goal and what they have done to help you reach it. All month long I�ve been trying to think of what my goals have been and who has helped me reach them. I can think of a lot of things that I have really wanted to accomplish and you know, I haven�t really accomplished many of them. I wanted to go back to school. Thank you grandpa for motivating me to go back. And thank you for always being there in the back of my head to push me along. I wanted to own my own house. Thank you billy for not making me into the bad guy when I worked 70-80 hours a week at the beginning of our marriage. Thank you for allowing me to do what I had to do to buy a house. Oh, and thanks for contributing. I wanted to feel like I was helping people, making a difference in my community. And I kind of got that feeling through volunteering. I tried to volunteer at a few places before one accepted me. Apparently their dress codes didn�t allow for people with holes in their faces. Bruce (my volunteer coordinator) saw past that and utilized my services and skills to their fullest extent. Even allowing me to run the advocacy program, dealing with politicians day in and day out. So thank you Bruce. I wanted to be a mother. I wanted to have happy kids. Thanks again billy for making me a mother. Thanks to my children for being happy and for being fairly easy to keep happy. But most of my goals haven�t been about things to accomplish. Yesterday I realized, that they�ve been about growing as a person. I want to be someone who notices the little things. Someone who stops and smells the roses. Someone who appreciates everything that they�re given. Someone who doesn�t take things for granted. I haven�t yet realized those goals. But I think I�m on my way. Yesterday I had a miscarriage, and I don�t know that I wanted to write about it in this diary but I do know that I don�t want to get another e-mail congratulating me on the pregnancy. So I thought what the hell. I was the one who so arrogantly announced this pregnancy to all of diaryland, so now I will announce it�s annulment as well. I wasn�t trying to get pregnant when it happened. It just happened. And I never realized how extremely precious that was until yesterday. I took for granted that some people can�t get pregnant at all and here I am getting pregnant despite the pill. I knew how happy I was to be having another child but I didn�t fully realize how extremely lucky I was. I took it for granted. I had been a pompous ass. I didn�t appreciate it enough, I didn�t know how incredibly blessed I was to have the opportunity to give my children another brother or a baby sister. I didn�t stop and think about exactly how wonderful this was. I didn�t appreciate it enough. I am teetering between being completely devastated and being grateful for this opportunity to make my life fuller. Without getting into the politics of when a fetus becomes a person I will say that I truly feel as though a loved one has died. I am grateful that through all of this pain a life lesson has been learned. While I can't say that I am grateful for the miscarriage itself, I am grateful for the opportunity this has given me to be a better person, to be happier in the long run. I have reached a goal that possibly couldn�t have been reached without such a jarring emotional blow. I think I know now that each of the gifts that one receives should be handled like a child�s security bear. They should be carried around with you in your heart, admired, loved, respected, valued. I haven�t always done that in the past, but rest assured that in the future I will try to be grateful for all of life�s little gifts. On that note, yesterday when I returned from the doctors office I noticed that my first sunflower has opened up and it�s really quite gorgeous. 11:17 a.m. - 5.23.01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||