neuroticgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- how soon is now The recurring theme of my current life is 'I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me?' Yesterday I was incredibly maudlin and wondering if the choices I'm making are good choices. And wondering why I feel so empty all the time if they were the right choices. Because doing the right thing should make one feel good right? But not always I guess, I suppose that sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing. Poor David. How is he supposed to deal with me not knowing what the hell I'm doing? Ever. He deals with it well. He's constantly letting me know that he's there for me in whatever capacity I need him to be. And he lets me know that this can proceed at my pace. Whatever I need he's prepared to give to me. Whether it's time or friendship without complications or an oil change (that is not a euphemism) or whatever. Because I keep thinking that I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for a new relationship. But it's not really new at all. The only new thing about it really is that I get to share how I feel about him with him and vice versa. And the sex. We've been such great friends for such a long time that the dynamics of that relationship are familiar. He's comfortable. But not really. I mean he's comfortable but exciting and mysterious too. He surprises me a lot. And we're settling into a nice normalish place in our relationship where we can be in the same room without having to entertain each other constantly. Which is really nice most of the time. Just recently it leaves me kind of unsure of where we're at. Which is really ridiculous. Do I really need constant attention in order to feel loved? That's crazy. And probably untrue. Because frequently I really enjoy doing my own thing and having down time. It's just every now and then I seem particularly needy. And lately has been so weird that maybe it's ok to be a bit needy. Maybe it's ok to want to lean on him for support. And maybe, given the new nature of us, it's normal to want that support to be a little less friend oriented. I think this only makes sense in my head. I just mean that I'm trying desperately to grasp for definitions that define me and 'us'. Definitions that reach beyond the previous confines of our friendship. So I get confused. Which really isn't that rare of a phenomenon. So I guess I've been feeling a little left out. But I'm not entirely sure I know what I feel left out of. Because when I think about it all logically there really is no reason. But my feelings are rarely logical so who the fuck knows really. And I find myself more confused by all these weird feelings because even in the midst of all of this trepidation I can still look into the future and see so much happiness. I can picture us years from now. Him running around the house being superdad (and superstepdad) solving problems in that way that only he can do where it all turns out looking so simple that you wonder why you never thought of it, or getting sucked in and totally engrossed in some new project, or dragging me to car shows which I will pretend to be incredibly put off by but will probably secretly enjoy, mowing the yard and working on or restoring some various old car. Me coordinating kids schedules and planting a flower garden and attempting to cook edible food, working at a job that I actually enjoy. I can picture us going camping, going on little mini family vacations, traveling around europe on the eurorail. I can picture us living overseas and learning new customs and languages together. I can picture us getting into some rather awkward situations together with various language and custom barriers. I can picture us lying in bed reading, I can picture us having coffee together in the morning. I can picture us tackling the particularly problematic situations that come with raising children together, even when it means that we lock ourselves in the bedroom and laugh about it or cry about it until we can keep a straight enough face to confront the child in question. And the best part is that when I picture all of these things I can picture me smiling. So with all of that I don't understand how I could be so emotionally confused right now. Oh my. It seems I've gone off on another tangent. 11:18 a.m. - 07.12.02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||