neuroticgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- not comfortably chaotic This entry is going to be all jumbled because I'm feeling all jumbled. You were warned. Billy and I told the kids that we're getting a divorce. Not because I really wanted to yet but because of billys new girlfriend. (here's where I get kind of shitty.) The boys are used to seeing David over here an awful lot. David and I have always had the kind of friendship that was very consuming. When we were hanging out we HUNG OUT. I mean like, all the time. And he's lived here for short stints every now and then between deployments and such. So David being here doesn't look suspect at all. Billys girlfriend hanging out all the time and spending nights and such DOES look suspect, especially since no one ever taught them the meaning of the word inconspicuous. So billy and her are kind of cuddly and overly friendly for someone that he has just met and the kids pick up on that. And I don't want them thinking that normal marriages work like this. So they had to be told. About the divorce part, not about the girlfriends and Davids and all. I'm sure they'll figure out the girlfriend part on their own and I'm not telling them the David part until I'm ready. David and I know how to keep our hands off of each other while in mixed company so I don't think they'd pick up on us. It was horrible. I've never felt so helpless and worthless and evil in all my life. We completely shattered their world and there is nothing short of staying married and being miserable that will make it better for them. And I don't like that. Not one bit. I'm not used to not being able to make things better and it sucks that all I can do now is sit back and watch until they want to talk to me about it. It's getting better day by day, but they're still very upset, obviously. So there's that going on which is very time consuming and emotion zapping. I'm trying so hard to be megamom that I'm wearing myself out. Emotionally more than physically. And then there's billy who is being a complete prick. He's getting mad at me for stupid little stuff. And he will be happy one minute and the very next minute get all mopey. Especially when someone is coming over. He likes to make everyone think that I'm an evil bitch who is breaking his heart and all he wants in life is to make me happy and why won't I let him do that? Which is also very emotionally taxing. My life is extremely chaotic and I just don't think I can handle much more. I need a place where I can go to leave all of this behind me for short bursts of time. Because I'm one of those people that will think something to death. Which is when I run to David. And it really isn't very fair to him. I mean to expect him to take me away from all of that. Not that I expect him to DO anything, just that being around him usually makes it easy to forget about things at least momentarily. Except that right now he's all trying to make things better for me or easier or ... what's the word I'm looking for? He's trying to foresee what I will need and be there to give it to me. But it's having the opposite effect. Instead it's making it to where when I'm with him I constantly think about all the chaos in my life. And then I feel guilty because I SHOULD be thinking about the chaos that I have caused and why do I think I deserve to get a break from that? And guilty because I don't want it to affect our relationship, and it will if I keep on. And then I feel guilty for feeling guilty when I should just be enjoying him. And on and on and on. So I'm in a very chaotic place that won't get any less chaotic any time soon and I can't get comfortable with it. I'm not good at being comfortably chaotic. 2:56 a.m. - 07.06.02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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