neuroticgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- out to lunch Less than an hour until they get here. I don't know why I get so nervous. When he's here I feel like a kid again. I feel like I need to ask if I'm allowed to do something. And even though I smoke about a pack a day (I'm cutting down though) I don't smoke around him AT ALL. Even though he smokes about 3 packs a day. And he chain smokes the entire time he's here. But I won't. Not even one. And I hate that he's taking us out to eat because my family is really strange about money. So I want to pay for me and the kids. But the opportunity won't come up. And if I mention that I should pay for us he'll get all weird because it's a cardinal sin to talk about money or who's paying. And when he pays that will reinforce my feeling like a child. Why is money so weird for us? I've been really broke before. So broke that I was scared my lights would get cut off. And my phone. And we ate ramen for a bit. My dad has been putting bits of money into varying investments in our names for a while. Like every Christmas he'll throw a thousand into the pot. And on birthdays he'll throw some money in. And everytime he gets a bonus at work he'll put that in. There are a lot of CD's in my name floating around out there. And there is a savings account in both of our names that he opened when I was born. For me. Every month he puts 100 dollars in it. For me. He has done this since I was born. So why is it that even when we were having some really hard times I could not go to him and ask him for anything. Not one penny. He asked me one time if I had the money for the kids cub scouts uniforms and I lied. I lied and said yes because to ask him for money would be to admit a weakness to him. And I don't want him to think of me as a failure. I realize how completely insane I sound. I really do. I just have daddy issues. BIG daddy issues. So I really just wish that he'd get here so we could get this over with. And that's a really nasty way to think about a visit from my dad. Because I love him to death. And I wish that we were closer. And after he is gone I feel really good about the visit most of the time. But the whole time he's here I feel like I am under evaluation. So I really want to get this over with. 10:43 a.m. - 7.30.01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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