neuroticgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm too old for this angst shit For the life of me I can't figure out why I am so totally in love with a guy in the Navy. Don't I fucking know that he'll never be here? Even when he's supposed to be he won't. And who am I to say that no, I don't want you to do anything that might advance your career because I would like you not to leave for another month or six weeks or whatever. Especially right after his daughter moves back here and school will be starting and I don't know her very well and she scares me, the concept of her scares me. No, I don't want him to go but if it's something he feels he needs to do than so be it I guess. But what if I get used to it? What if I get used to him being gone. What if I don't need him like I thought I do. And need probably isn't the word I'm looking for because I don't really NEED him now, but what if I find it easier to be without him than with him. What if I go through all of this school starting and a month with his daughter and I don't fuck it up and everything goes just fine and I like it. By myself. And I've got a million things on my mind. Things that I don't want to talk about here, things that could turn out to be soul sucking and what if I need him there for that and he's not? What if I can't forgive him for not being here? I just fucking hate this. And it's not like I don't want to be alone, I got over that when he was gone the 2 1/2 weeks. I liked being alone by the end of it. So I don't mind the being alone thing, it's the without him thing that gets me. When he's out on the boat he's more than gone physically. E-mail sucks when he writes at all, usually 2 or 3 lines just to say good morning, no response to things I've brought up in e-mail. I'm not interested in spending a month sitting in front of this computer trying to write an e-mail that he won't even read fully. I'm just not. So obviously he should go, it's an opportunity that he won't have again for a long time, but that doesn't mean that what we have won't suffer for it. And who knows what we're capable or not capable of overcoming. It just seems like such a shitty finalized way to find out. 11:37 a.m. - 07.09.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||