neuroticgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- project of the day This entry is long and rantish and whiny and you�d be well advised to skip it. You were warned. I complain a lot. I do. And most of the time I don�t even really mean anything by it. Like I�ll complain that I don�t like spaghetti and that�s what we�re having for dinner but it�s ok. I mean I�m not off to slit my wrist over my pasta peeve. It�s just something to talk about I guess. And I�m not even serious. So if I were to complain about the kids being absolutely treacherous one day that doesn�t mean that my life is fucking over. They were just bad. You know, how kids will sometimes be. But it doesn�t mean that I�m unhappy about the general state of my life or circumstances. And if I make a jokey comment about how I�m missing the maternal genes necessary to navigate life with kids and I will never ever not-again-in-this-life have another child that doesn�t mean that I hate the kids and they make me miserable. It really doesn�t. I mean I tell them a few times a day that I�m going to strangle them but you don�t see me at wal-mart stocking up on rope and twine do you? No, that�s because I wouldn�t really strangle any children, especially not my own. So when David tells me that I�m a generally unhappy person (for the second time in as many months) it pisses me off. I mean really, if you�re going to take everything I say so fucking seriously then you don�t know me as well as I thought and maybe we should spend some time reacquainting. Or maybe he does know me as well as he used to it�s just that he can�t tell I�m joking since he never looks at me when I talk these days. Or maybe he can�t hear my tone over the annoying whine of various power tools. So last night was this horrible fight/argument that I can�t shake out of my head. It�s all terribly unresolved at this point and I can�t decide if I�m more hurt or angry. It all started with me saying (at his probing, I didn�t want to open this particular can of worms at that moment) that I felt a little ignored lately. And I honestly started out being very adult about it all. Explaining that I need him to talk to me every now and then, I need a little bit of time spent together once in a while. I explained that we had no intimate moments anymore outside of sexual intimacy. He explained that he was perfectly happy the way things were and that it is unreasonable of me to expect him to sit still with me and not be doing something. He didn�t say that I was unreasonable actually, he said that the idea sounded unreasonable to him. Then in typical tendril and David fashion the fighting got all dirty and everything that has even slightly annoyed one of us in the past month got brought up and feelings got hurt and I honestly just felt like it was over. I mean really, all I was asking for was for him spend a little bit of fucking time with me once every couple of days or so and he turned it into this whole thing where I�d have him sitting on the couch every single night staring at the ugly popcorn ceilings. I do like staying home with the kids, but I also like adult interaction. At least every 3 days or so. And I don't mind doing dishes and laundry and housekeeping, I don't mind at all, but I would like to know that I'm appreciated and I don't feel very appreciated when I spend a good deal of time cooking and cleaning and all I get in return is 5 minutes of eating before he runs off to complete the project of the week. Every now and then I'd like to be the project of the week, or day, or even hour. So while last night I was convinced that maybe I was asking too much today is a different story. I mean maybe I am being unreasonable but I need more time. And why should I short change my needs? 3:08 p.m. - 06.04.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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