neuroticgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- who the fuck broke into my head and made me a teenager again This entry is angsty and strange and confusing and LONG. Feel free to close the window now. My head's all muddled up. I have let myself become entirely too involved with someone that takes up entirely too much of my head. I can't stop thinking about him. And I love him but I have so many insecurities. I don't want to get hurt so all I can really think about is how I should just run now. But how lame would it be to go running off because I've contracted a nasty case of the what if's. Maybe I just need a bowl of soup and some rest and relaxation. Except I don't really like soup. I�m a pretty fucked up person. I mean I�ve got issues like you wouldn�t believe. The sheer quantity of my issues boggles the mind. I�ve got an issue for every occasion. Sex issues? got �em. trust issues? yep. love issues? you bet. self esteem issues? you know it. men issues? affirmative. He�s a beautiful person. We relate to each other in a way that I�ve never related with anyone. He�s got his head screwed on correctly and I�ve never had that in a relationship before. I think I usually get into relationships because I feel sorry for the guy, or I want to fix him, or he�s a complete asshole and I think that I can change that. It�s not like that with him. He doesn�t need fixing, and I don�t feel sorry for him, and he�s not an asshole. I mean maybe, but it�s not of the he-treats-women-like-shit variety. I�ve never known a man that is so caring and sensitive while being so masculine. He�s smart, funny, confident, and intuitive. He knows me better than anyone. He respects women. He loves me and he loves my children. After all of that I still can�t get it in my head that I deserve someone like this. I still can�t get it in my head that he probably really does love me. I can�t quit thinking that maybe he just feels sorry for me. Or maybe he wants to fix me. I�m not used to being the fucked up one in a relationship. I�m not sure I like the way it feels. Even though it goes against everything that I know about him I can�t quit thinking what if he just knows me so well that he knows exactly what to say to wrap me around his fingers and when he gets tired of me I�ll be thrown to the side. He�s never given me any reason to believe this but my mind gets carried away when left to it�s own devices. I want to trust him. I really want to trust him but I have trust issues and I'm almost positive that he's not giving me a reason not to trust him and it's my issues that are ganging up to sabotage things. Either way little thoughts keep creeping into my head that drive me crazy and make me want to punish him. Like I should punish him because I can't keep these nasty thoughts out of my head. Like just those thoughts being there is all his fault. I know it's not, I'm just saying. I keep wishing things hadn't gotten so intimate. Physically and emotionally. Because I could lie to myself and say that none of it mattered. If things hadn�t gotten so intimate. And I could run much more easily. You know, IF. I think The If�s are entirely too needy and are unwittingly monopolizing my reasoning abilities. I�ve seen him everyday since this started. Every Day. And I can�t decide if that�s because I want to or because I NEED to. Like am I trying to keep tabs on him? I don�t think I am. But what if? I wonder what he does when I�m not there. I know he still loves his not very long ago ex and that�s normal. It�s not like their relationship ended because someone did something terrible to the other. They ended because they are headed in different directions. She�s not what he needs and maybe he�s not what she needs. And that doesn�t stop you from loving a person. Which makes me think about Billy. He�s not what I need but I love him. Billy and I are not together any longer, but that doesn�t mean that when we�re talking and he�s sitting there heartbroken because of me that I don�t want to go hold him and kiss him and just make it all better for him. So if I feel this way about Billy then certainly he (He) feels the same about his ex (doesn�t that sound like a four letter word? it sounds so derogatory. ex.). Why does that bother me? Somewhere in the back of my head I think that she�s more right for him than I am. And I selfishly don�t want him to realize that. Because where does that leave me? I want him. Even if I don�t deserve him, I want him. So I switch back and forth. One moment I�m praying that he won�t realize that I�m not enough for him. The very next I�m hoping that he�ll hurry up and see that I�m flawed so that I can breathe again. I never let it enter my head that maybe I am enough, and maybe I�m not all that flawed, and maybe I do deserve him. He tries. He tries to tell me how much he loves me, he tries to reassure me, and I smile and nod and act at ease. I don�t usually feel so fucked up when I�m with him. He makes me feel important. He makes me feel loved and respected. It�s when I�m alone and I let my mind wander, that�s when I become such a complete fucking retard about it all. What is wrong with me? What happens to a person to make her so uncertain about herself? 7:25 a.m. - 05.21.02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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