neuroticgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- perfection I can't stop feeling like I'm not good enough. In every aspect of my life, every aspect of my day I feel like I'm flubbin' it up. Even this. I look at other diaries and there are some wonderful writers here on Diaryland. There are some wonderful layouts. And I just don't measure up. I know full well how ridiculous this is. I don't have to measure up to anything. I know this. I don't have to be as good at writing or layout or whatever as anyone else. But I always feel like I have to be perfect. I've got more guilt than an entire catholic church. When the kids come home from school and I don't have really fun stuff planned every day or if they have to do chores, I feel guilty. Because somehow in my head I've made it so that children should be having fun every second of every day. And that just isn't the reality of it. When I go to school and take a test I try to act like it doesn't matter if I don't make a perfect grade but it does. My brain has warped everything so that if I'm not perfect, if I don't get 100's on everything I do then I'm not good enough as a person. As a person. I spent an entire semester getting about 3 hours of sleep per night because I took too many difficult classes at once. Anatomy and physiology is not a class that is meant to be taken in a half term. Lipids are difficult subject matter. Every morning when I wake up and haven't magically shrunk two or three sizes I'm disappointed. I change the emphasis from being healthy to being pretty. I'm pretty now. I'm beautiful now. But I'm not. Because I'm so worried about being perfect according to some standards that aren't mine or maybe they are but I don't want them anymore, that I can no longer focus on the fact that just being me is good enough. I debated whether or not to even write this in this diary even though I write about it in my paper journal all the time. I didn't want to write it because writing about things like this shows a weakness of sorts and god knows that weaknesses don't make a perfect person. Somewhere in the back of my head I know that I'm ok just right now, like I am. But closer to the front are flashing neon signs telling me that I need to be better. Telling me that I'm not introspective enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not funny enough, I'm not a good enough mommy, I'm not a good enough housekeeper, I'm not enough of anything. A year ago I believed the flashing lights whole heartedly. Now I tend to be very aware of the flashing lights but at least there is space in my mind that knows that I'm ok. Which is probably a pretty good start at knowing that I'm allowed to be me. No one has all these crazy expectations in their head that I am supposed to live up to. Except me. 8:08 p.m. - 4.24.01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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