neuroticgirl's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm not always proud of the things I do Thank you to everyone who signed my guestbook about my mother. I appreciate the support. I'd like to say a big huge thank you to Kathy though. Because it's nice to hear someone say, yes sweetie, you are overreacting and it's ok, you're stressed. I try to talk to my "real life" friends about anything involving my mom and get cut off immediately. None of them like her and they immediately take my side. And that's not what I want really. I want perspective. Because I know that I have no right to be upset when she stays locked up in her room sleeping all day every day that she doesn't work. That's really none of my business, but I do get upset. And I vent here because I know it's none of my business and therefore wouldn't say anything to her about it. Do you see what I'm saying? I ahve to constantly tell myself that even though it feels like I have a teenager living with me, I don't. She is an adult and I have no right to be as controlling as I tend to want to be. And it's funny because I'm not usually such a control freak. Only with her. I think it's because she comes in and tries to act like I need her to mother me again and she tries to take the upper hand in MY household matters so I over correct and turn into mega-control-bitch. It's like I don't want her to forget that it's my house that she's living in. And that doesn't make me very proud. It's like I want her to live in a constant state of gratitude and how miserable would that be for her. I know she's grateful so why do I have a nagging need to make her show it ALL THE TIME. I refuse to change my life and the way I run my household to make her happy so why should I expect her to change everything about herself to make me happy. And I completely understand this. It's logical. I try to justify my irrational feelings using excuses such as: If she cared about me she would get her car fixed so I wouldn't have to drive her around EVERY day. If she cared she'd pay a little bit of rent to help out with the added expense of having her here. If she cared she'd wash a dish every now and then. If she cared she'd do her own damned laundry instead of leaving it in the hall for a week or so until I can't stand looking at it anymore and just do it. I could go on forever. But none of those things mean that she doesn't care, or that she isn't grateful. It just means that she doesn't ahve the money to fix her car. and while she's trying to save money to fix her car she can't afford to help out with any of the bills and I usually do the dishes before she even emerges from her room to eat so she doesn't really get a chance to do the dishes. and maybe she's just really lazy and even if she wasn't living here she'd leave her laundry laying around for weeks before she gets around to doing them. Maybe she doesn't leave them there for me after all. I could babble on forever but I need to go start dinner. 4:09 p.m. - 7.18.01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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